|
hotkboi
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: hotkboi
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Los Angeles
Gender: Male
Interests: Movies, Music, Dancing, Singing, Shopping, and Eating. I work out sometimes at 24hr fitness. My friends and family are the things that keep me goin' in life.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Real Estate
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  evertheoptimist8
Member Since:
7/12/2002
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| I'm switching to another place. No more Xanga. Check it at the new place. Simpler.
http://g-star.tumblr.com | | |
| I stayed home last night to compile pictures of my work for my art portfolio and get some rest. I awoke today to get ready to go to Otis for the Open House and portfolio review. It was an open forum where I got to meet students and staff of the school as well as take tours, walk the campus and participate in workshops. The outcome was great. I was very excited to see what could very well be the next four years of my life and even more excited to decide that I would really like to go there. The Architecture, Landscapes, and Interiors (ALI) head chair complimented my work and made me feel like I had a great chance at getting in. *Crosses fingers*
After that, I went to meet with my friend, Tram, and her boyfriend, Nick. We walked around a little at Melrose before I had to rush to get home to get ready for Masquerade ball. I always have fun with them and shopping always makes me happy.
I was driving home going about 40mph due to the traffic and reflecting over the great day that I was having so far. It was about 6:30pm and I saw a car in my left rear view mirror trying to pass people on the shoulder between my lane and the divider. I decided to just move over a bit and give him some room. As he reached the space just to the left and behind me, he began to swerve and that's when I realized he was passing people because he was drunk. Right as I realized that he slammed into the left rear of my car sending my car towards the lane to the right of me. I, extremely luckily, swerved left to avoid hitting other people in the number two lane and then, even more luckily, swerved right just in time before almost slamming into the center divider. My airbag deployed after the same impact that caused my glasses to fly off my face and my bluetooth to fly off my ear, which is still nowhere to be found. I was completely in shock. In fact, I was on my bluetooth talking to a friend of mine who lives in Vegas at the time of the collision. When it happened, I started screaming. When I called her back after I stopped the car, she basically had figured out what happened and asked me if I was okay. I was...so I told her I had to go deal with this now. When I got out of the car, I realized there was another SUV behind me with his blinkers. Turns out, the drunk driver hit him in the left rear as well when he was 3 cars behind me, then kept going and passed three cars fine and only stopping when he hit me and two of his tires popped. When the cops came, they took all of our statements and realized that he was completely intoxicated. My car isn't drivable anymore because the left rear tire is now misaligned and crooked. I had to get it towed as well as get a ride home.
I still managed to somehow get ready and go to Masquerade Ball in San Diego. The other people who were supposed to ride with me didn't mind using their car, so I rode with them. I was still shaken, but I still went because I had promised someone that I would be there. I actually didn't even really talk to that person for that long and somewhat felt ignored.
So as wildfires roamed and consumed Southern California, I had my very own personal wildfire burning it's way through my life, my car, and my feelings. 24 hours of madness...
It's unfortunate that the great early half of the day is now overshadowed by the extremely negative second half of the day. I wish that, at this very moment, I could smile knowing that I have received great feedback from a great art/design school and a very good chance at getting in, that I have great friends, that I have great family who helped me figure out what to do in this situation, and that I am alive and okay after that accident. Unfortunately, my exhaustion from the trip to San Diego, the shock from the accident that preceded the trip, as well as the frustration from my experience on the trip leaves me so entirely angry, frustrated, sad, shaken, disappointed, and hopeless that I can't even be happy that I'm still breathing right now.
Give me time, maybe sleep will help to heal today.
Goodnight... | | |
| I've tried so desperately to pull myself out of the dark place that I've been for the longest time. When I say "the longest time", I mean on and off for almost three years. The past month I've spent desperately trying to will myself to feel alive again. From August until just recently, I had become antisocial and unwilling to try to make friends. I didn't even really bother trying to keep the ones that I had. Why? I lost faith. I lost faith in people. I didn't want to trust or even give the benefit of the doubt to anyone anymore. I had always been the person who gave the benefit of the doubt. I always trusted as much as I possibly could, and I had finally exhausted my ability to do so.
So in attempting to crawl out of my antisocial oblivion, I decided to be more open to people and the good in people. I decided to try to trust people and the good in people. I decided to try to believe in myself again that I would survive any hurt and pain that is thrown at me. I still believe I will survive it all, but it gets harder and harder. You'd think that it gets easier as you become accustomed to it, but it doesn't.
I'm tired of dreaming. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of trying. It just hurts to do so. I always valued optimism, and maybe I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, optimism is futile. | | |
| As I sat down to write a new note, I found that with all of the things going on in my mind I have no words, so I resort to rambling.
It's been such a long year. After dealing with my grandfather's death and getting arrested, I worked steadily at Washington Mutual. I kept myself busy and kept myself working. Problem: what good is working when you have no goal you're working towards? I felt unmotivated, stagnant, and numb. I tried to find my old self again. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to...feel again.
I traveled to Paris, France to visit my best friend and was really happy to see two of my closest friends. I had so much fun hanging out in Paris with you guys. Thanks for exhausting yourself by hanging out with me everyday after work when I was there. And Emma, thanks for taking a train down from London to see me. Love you guys!
I traveled to visit some old friends in the bay area. I was so happy to be able to hang out with two of my closest friends. In doing so, I started to see old feelings for an old friend and ex begin to resurface. Years later, those feelings are still the same. I began to feel a little again. For that I thank you. I only wish they were different feelings. Result: I'm really glad that my friendships with both of you have become so strong and better than before. You guys mean the world to me.
August came along and I had a few things to look forward to: my best friend was returning from Paris, another close friend was moving to LA for grad school, and my 24th birthday was fast approaching. I had a lot of fun hanging out with my best friend. I missed you dearly when you were in Paris. As the last two months have passed and we both have gotten progressively busy, things have begun to change for us. My fear is that it may be irreversible. The thought of this terrifies me.
John! You've made the move to LA! I'm so happy that you got into USC for grad school. I'm so happy to have been able to meet your mother. She's so nice. It was quite an adventure helping you design and set up your apartment. I'm glad it's over, but it was definitely fun. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of that.
I wanted my birthday this year to be something small. As I've gotten older, my mentality has changed. I emailed my mom and step-dad and told them that I didn't want to do the BBQ with over 50 guests again this year. It's just too exhausting. I asked them to rally up the family and I'd invite 2 or 3 friends to have dinner at my uncle's restaurant. The next day he emailed the entire family and myself an invitation to my uncle's house for a party for my grandmother and my birthday on that Wednesday. He also invited everyone to a BBQ that following Saturday at my house. Apparently, my email didn't register. He thought I was just trying to be nice and save them the trouble. I went through the motions anyway and decided to enjoy the BBQ as I'm lucky to even have that. It was fun having so many people I cared about under the same roof. Thing is, I just didn't have that same sense of excitement for my birthday this year.
School began the first week of September: another thing for me to keep myself busy with. I was going to work and then going to school after. I had 14 hour days Monday through Thursday, a 9 hour day on Friday, a 6 hour day on Saturday, and no time to myself on Sunday. As it was only the beginning of the semester, I had little work to do so it was fine, but as the semester progressed and I got further and further behind, I had to reevaluate. I had to make some decisions.
I decided to quit my job and put all my energy in school. I've been so busy with my classes and projects that I had to make another decision. I had to quit being on the board of Circle K. I liked being the social chair, but I had to make the recognition of something more important in my life taking over. School is now my first priority -- something that has never happened before. I have major goals this time around and I've never felt so empowered to achieve them. I want to be transferring to art school within the year. I want a 4.0 this semester. I also want to complete a comprehensive and commendable portfolio. I want to, essentially, prove to myself, my family, and my friends that I can be like those that I admire. So here I am, on a new road towards my bachelor's degree, my career, and my future.
Update: So far in my classes, I've learned a lot. I've found that I am talented in the arts. I love watching myself improve over the course of the semester. I'm on the second project of my 3D design class and so far she has really complimented my work. The biggest compliment: an A on the first major project and a predicted second A on the second project.
I'm optimistic about that. Yet, something is missing. I've been so swamped with school and stress, yet somehow I still feel numb, dead, and stagnant. I have yet to figure it out.
Apparently the fun that I've had since all that still leaves me where I was in April.
Side note: My distant cousin on my father's side had a baby tonight. Amari Roy Wong. Afterthought: Roy was my grandfather's name: my mother's father. What a coincidence. | | |
| 
These last four days have been the longest four days of my life. In an effort to clear my mind and revisit the land of sanity, I decided to drive up to San Francisco. I figured that the 6 hour drive would be beneficial for me to clear my mind and that revisiting some old friends would do me good. Now, four days later, although I'm more clear about everything in my life, there are plenty of things that I still have to work through.
A lot of things have happened during my stay in the Bay Area. I decided that the relationship I was in was doomed to fail due to horrible timing. I realized that I've grown a lot in the past two years. I realized that I've learned how to really appreciate the people in my life. I've realized that I've learned to make decisions and choices with the best interest of others in mind while still staying true to myself. I've realized that, almost three years later, I've finally learned how to answer the questions you always had for me. I've realized that I can finally answer your most important question: "Why do you love me?"
I always told you that I loved you. Except for maybe the first few times I said it, I always meant it and I never doubted it. I always loved you but was never able to answer you as to why. My love for you at that point was "because you bring me happiness." I knew it was selfish and a horrible reason, but I was still incapable of explaining it. As I've reflected on our relationship and who you are as a person, I've realized what qualities in you brought me happiness. I've realized how the things you did and how the way you were not only brought me happiness, but ultimately, taught me what love is. I can now explain myself better.
I love you because of your compassion. In every thing you do, you demonstrate your compassion for others.
I love you because of your passion for the things you love. You love to dance and it keeps you alive.
I love you for your intelligence and your determination. You, despite all the things that went against you, got into a great university and are still capable of supporting yourself.
I love you because you're hardworking. You have this level of discipline that I've never had.
I love you because of your smile. Your smile brightens my day. It's genuine and full of love.
I love you because of your patience. Your patience allowed me to grow and still be your friend.
I love you because of your loyalty. Despite all of the reasons you had to run away from me, you're still here.
I love you for more reasons than I could ever describe. It would literally take me my whole life because every day you show me more reasons for me to love you.
Now that I can explain this, I can at the very least give you a better understanding of what I see in you. I have an amount of respect for you that is relatively equal to the respect I have for my family. For some reason, you're family.
You're right. I have a facade that I allow everyone to get to know. So many people think that I'm dark and twisty on the inside. They think that I'm jaded and hateful. Only you have seen right through all of these things from the very beginning. Only you have understood throughout every argument and fight that my facade is just that -- a facade. For some reason, I can never lie to you. Even when I try to, I become instantly honest. I figure it's easier and better to be honest with you first before you figure me out. I'm an open book to you and no one else. And that definitely catches me off guard.
Part of this facade is me pretending that romantic things make me want to gag. You see through that and you know I appreciate it. And here's me being honest: I dream of building our life together. I dream of building our home, designing it, and having rooms that celebrate our passions, our differences, but most importantly, our love. I dream of taking care of each other. I dream of holding you to sleep and holding you through difficult times. I dream of waking up in the morning to see you next to me. I dream of making breakfast every Sunday morning and spending the entire day with leisure enjoying your company. I dream of having cute puppies and raising them. I dream many things. I dream of a life together, but really, I truly believe that you may very well be my soul mate. I may be wrong, but I believe that.
It has been a long road. I've been on this three year journey learning and growing with each experience, day by day. I've learned so much from the people that I've been lucky enough to get to know. Our relationship and friendship with all the potholes and bumps taught us that a part of this is forever. It's been a long road. It's a hard goodbye. And it'll be an equally long road home. I'll be leaving tomorrow to go back home. I'll see you there one day? I love you. | | |
|
